Pieces of You Part 1

Title: Pieces of You Part 1
Author: MelpomeneTears
Game: Dragon Age II
Characters/Pairing: F!Hawke/Anders
Disclaimer: Spoilers


The room was a little chilled as she lay on their bed.  She had let the fire die out hours ago, she wanted the dark.  And the silence, not that it was hard to find silence in the Amell estate these days.  

Memories haunted her; she closed her eyes and touched her lips, remembering the first time he had kissed her.  It almost felt unreal; there had been such passion, such need in him then. They had made love times beyond counting and it had never felt routine, never felt forced, or less intense than that first time.  At least not until he had stopped touching her, stopped making love to her, stopped holding her as they slept.

It had happened so gradually she had almost not even noticed at first, his coming to bed a little later each night, rising and already about his day before she awoke. She had asked if everything was alright, he had smiled and kissed her, whispering reassurances to her.  And no matter how much her head told her not to listen her heart trusted that voice, loved that voice, would walk willingly into the Void for that voice.

She turned onto her side, running her fingers lovingly over the empty space beside her.  He was downstairs, sitting at the desk writing...Again.  She curled up on the bed, pulling his pillow against her body, a sad replacement for him.  But he was...gone now, Justice had won and she had lost, Justice had taken so much more than she had ever thought possible.

She lived with the shadows now, shadows of his smile, shadows of his touch.  She smiled and pretended she didn't notice, even as she felt herself withering and dying inside.  Even though every breath of every day was an agony and every beat of her heart felt hollow and tinny.  

Burying her head into the pillow she felt her tears, damp against her face. His faint scent filled her nostrils; soon it would be gone completely.  He almost never slept anymore.  What was that saying?  "Justice never sleeps."  She would laugh if she could remember how.

She still loved him, couldn't stop if she tried.  She had held him during his nights of anguished nightmares of becoming a monster.  She had smiled and kissed away his tears when he told her about what happened in Ferelden, and his fear  that he would turn on her, do to her what he had done to them, what he had almost done to that girl, Ella.  She had stood by his side each time they had fought against the oppression of mages.  And now she lived every moment on a knife's edge waiting for those few scraps that were still...Anders.

She used to wish his eyes weren't so sad, so pained, but she would give anything to have those looks back.  His blank expression now was like torture, she wondered if it was what he would look like if they made him tranquil.  Was Justice any better than Meredith?

Anders had often told her that he and Justice were one, but the truth was much darker than either of them had imagined.  He was learning Anders, learning how to assert his will and placating Anders, filling his head with assurances, keeping Anders focused on Meredith and the mages as he discovered how to control his new body.

Is this what Justice had always planned?  To use Anders for his own needs? A powerful mage like Anders was exactly what a spirit looked for when seeking someone to possess. Had something else been the catalyst?  Anders' anger maybe, or, and she shuddered at the thought, Anders' love?

He still kissed her goodnight and still smiled at her, but she wasn't sure if it was the small piece that was still Anders, or Justice imitating the life that Anders was supposed to be living.  She had no illusions, Justice hadn't liked her, had thought she was a distraction, but he had seen the benefit in her name, her wealth, her protection.

She knew that as soon as Justice found her no longer useful Anders would be gone. Maybe in more ways than one, if he was even still there at all, she became convinced more and more that Anders was already gone, and any glimpses she saw were habit.

She dragged her body from the bed and padded quietly down the stairs.  He was still hunched over the desk, the quill scratching on the parchment.  She moved behind him and untied the leather thong in his hair, running her fingers through it.  The quill paused, and he sighed, closing his eyes and tipping his head back.

"You're still awake?"  The voice was Anders' but there was no pleasure in it, it was just a flat statement.

"I am."  She pushed down the knot of fear in her stomach; Anders loved it when she played with his hair.

"You should...sleep."  His words were hesitant, like he wasn't sure of what he was saying.

"I wanted to be with you."  Her fingers massaged his scalp.

"I have work to do, love.  You know that."  

She dropped her hands and moved to sit on the floor.  She leaned against his chair, "Then I'll stay here, out of the way."

He opened his eyes and looked down at her, a brief flicker behind their now dull brown. "I may be a while."

She shrugged, swallowing around the lump in her throat, "I miss you, just let me stay."

He watched her for a moment, eyes distant and blank.  "If you insist."  He turned and went back to his writing.

Curled on the floor at his feet, she prayed for strength.